A Letter To My Son

A Few Things You Need To Know

8yrsoldThis is my son, my little boyfriend. He was 8 when this picture was taken. And while he’s getting older, he’s still my baby and I love him more than life itself.

One day he will become some lucky girls “Prince Charming”. And I hope I have raised him and taught him how to live up to that unfair label. We don’t expect perfection of ourselves, so we can’t hold anyone else up to that expectation either.

As much as I want that lucky girl to be the perfect girl for him, I also want him to be prepared for her.

So here I write a note to you Son. A few pieces of advice and words of wisdom that I’ve learned in my years on this planet.

I know your first reaction will be embarrassment, “Mom why did you do that?!” The answer is simple, because I love you and I know as you get older, you’ll find a girl at school that you like. It’s simply part of growing up and getting older. And I want your experiences to be good ones, even though I know there’s no avoiding a broken heart. That too is part of life.

I know your next reaction will be “Yeah right, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Well, true I’m not a guy, but I was a young girl once. And I know as you get older, you’ll realize your Mom really did know stuff and you’ll be thankful that I found a way to share some advice with you. I wish my Mom and Dad could have found a way, and taken the time, to do that for me.

All I ask is that you read my note to you. Keep an open mind and when you’re ready, you put some of this advice into practice.

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Dear Son,

Dating is a tricky thing and doing it right is difficult. But it is honestly, the most important thing you will ever do. Because how you date will dictate who you date. And who you date may one day become who you marry. And who your wife is will determine your future, your family and so forth and so on. Dating is important, even when you’re still young and growing up. So date wisely.

Here are a few expectations I have for you as you get older and become a man when it comes to dating. Keep in mind that although I’m not spelling out things for you to watch out for, everything here that you do for her, she should also do for you where appropriate. If she doesn’t, then she could be someone who’s selfish, self-centered and won’t be there for you later in your relationship when you need her. So remember that dating is a two-way street!

  1. First and foremost, Respect her!
    No relationship ever lasts without respect. The right girl will become your best friend, and you will be her best friend. Respect her opinions, her likes and dislikes, even if you don’t agree with them. She, like you, is allowed to have her own views about the world. Show respect for that and she’ll respect you in return.

    1. Part two of respecting each other means never putting your best friend down in front of others or to others behind her back! How you talk about your girl will create the opinions that others hold about her. From that they will either like her, or look down on her.
  2. Always ask a girl on a date straight forward and directly. AND always ask in person.
    If that isn’t possible then ask over the phone. Never, I mean never, ask a girl on a date through someone else as a 3rd party messenger, nor through a text, instant message, or email. Don’t write a note and try to pass it off to her either. Simply walk up to her and ask her out.picnic
  3. Always take a girl out on a date.
    None of this “let’s hang out at my place & watch a movie” nonsense. I expect you to pick her up & take her somewhere. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate or immensely creative. Sometimes the best dates are simple, like a picnic in the park. You should always make sure you take her to a place you know she will feel comfortable & enjoy. Or a place you might like to share with her, like having lunch to watch the trains.
  4. Open the door for your date.
    Open all doors for your date when possible. You can ask her to wait and let you get that if she tries to beat you to it. But do your best to get there first.
  5. Pay for your date.
    No questions asked. Your father and I will make sure you always have money for your dates. Do not ever split the bill. If she wants to do something that’s too expensive, think about how much you like her. If you think it’s something you’d really like to do; save up for it as a surprise and/or talk to your father and I.
  6. Walk to the door to pick up your date.
    Never text from the car, or worse yet, HONK! And always walk your date to the door at the end of the night. Never expect her to walk or stand alone outside unescorted. The only time it’s ok to leave her alone is if it’s raining and you rush out to the parking lot to get the car while she stays dry INSIDE a theater or restaurant, or whatever. Never make her wait outside alone. So it’s wise to keep an umbrella under the backseat of your car.
  7. Use your good senses when it comes to kissing.
    Don’t kiss every girl, but don’t be afraid to kiss the right girl. A kiss on the cheek is a nice touch to show her you’re interested. Take it slow and make sure she really is worth your kisses.
  8. Listen to your date.
    The best dates involve getting to know the other person, so take your date somewhere that will allow you to talk. Ask her questions & share insight about yourself. The purpose of dating is to find someone you could spend your future with. So the longer you date a person, the more you should get to know her. And she gets to know you too. It is a two-way street.
  9. Be honest!
    This one is hard, because it’s not simply about what you say or do for her. It’s also about being honest with yourself. If you’re putting the effort into being kind, nice and caring to her; make sure you’re getting back as good as your giving. If she’s not supportive or respectful of you, she’s not the one for you. Be honest with yourself and let her go. There’s someone better out there waiting for you.
  10. communicationCommunicate! Best friends can tell each other anything!
    Don’t be afraid to talk to each other about issues. If something happens that you’re not comfortable with or don’t like, be calm and discuss it. Remember no one is responsible for your feelings but you. So don’t start a sentence with “You made me feel”; rather “When you did this, I felt like this”. Talking things out will make your relationship stronger. Don’t expect her to simply know how you feel. And don’t assume you can “read” how she feels. Ask!

    1. Don’t listen to gossip!
      There will be others who don’t like it that you’re dating someone. Actually this can happen even after you find the ‘one’ and have gotten married. People who say they’re your friend or her friend will try to spread mean rumors about you to her, or her to you. The best relationships are honest with each other and are open to communication. Tell your girl what you were told and who told it to you. Don’t tell her from a place of anger. She may know nothing about it. But remember to be honest with yourself and with her. If you think she’s lying to you, let her go and move on. And don’t lie to her! If it’s not working, refer to rule #11.
    2. You WILL get into disagreements.
      Even the best relationships will have arguments. How you express your anger will determine how hurtful and devastating your disagreements will be. Never call her hurtful names, in anger or any other time. Never be dramatically insulting. It is very hard to heal wounds made from words of anger. So be very careful what you say and how you say it.
  11. Always make your intentions clear.
    If you aren’t clicking with a girl then end it. Don’t string her along. And don’t be afraid to let it go. It may hurt her for a minute but she will appreciate your honesty. And if you are feeling a connection then let her know. A girl loves clarity. It will make the whole dating process easier if you follow this one simple rule.
  12. Always clarify your feelings.
    Don’t make assumptions about what you’re “picking up” from her either. If you think she’s not clicking with you, be brave and ask her straight out. The answer may hurt you, but it’s better to know the truth and move on, or end your assumptions and lose the insecurity. Not everyone you ask out is going to click with you. Don’t waste years on a relationship that isn’t meant to be.
  13. Date around, but only seriously date one girl at a time.
    Once you’ve found a girl you are interested in and going exclusive with, be faithful to her. Always, always be faithful. If you decide things aren’t working out or you meet someone else you’d like to get to know, refer back to rule #9.
  14. Be physical. The right way!
    Hold hands, put your arm around her shoulders or eventually her waist, kiss her head, put your hand on her knee. These sweet gestures speak volumes & make a woman feel cared for. Going too far physically only confuses the relationship & it can never be undone. When you do find “the one” for you, remember to caress her face on occasion before a kiss. It’s not something you need to do every time you’re with her. But touching the face is a very intimate and vulnerable gesture. It shows you truly care.familygathering
  15. Get to know each others extended circles.
    Get to know her family & friends, especially her father.  When you find the right girl for you, her father will be the person who will judge you the most. He has protected his little girl her entire life and if she likes you, he will want to make sure you are capable and responsible enough to take over that role of protection. Show him respect, but don’t be afraid of him. You are a good person, you’re intelligent and capable.
  16. Let your family & friends get to know her.
    Especially Me. Just as her father has protected her, your mom has cared and nurtured you. Love is blind, and your friends, family and even your mom, may see things in her that you don’t see. Things that could cause you pain or heartache the farther into your relationship you go. Don’t simply dismiss the opinions of your friends. Give them some thought, share the views with someone you trust and determine if the perspective is one made from jealousy, or if there’s something to what was said.
  17. When the time comes, tell her you love her.
    Don’t use those words after your first date. Or even after the first week. “I love you” is a powerful phrase and it needs to be treat with the utmost care. Give yourself time to be sure those words really match your feelings and emotions. And only say them to someone you think is open to hearing them.

    1. When you do,  tell her all sorts of nice things. Everyone deserves to be complimented. One of the best things you tell your girl will be the great things you like about her. Whether it’s her hair, eyes, how beautiful she is or how nice she looks. Her laugh, her humor, her cooking, whatever it is at the right time, don’t keep it in. Your words show support and share your feelings out loud. Other people don’t know how you feel, we can’t read your mind, so tell us and don’t leave it to doubt.
  18. Do things for her.
    Perform acts of kindness for her; make her breakfast, take out the trash, offer her your jacket when she’s cold, you get the point. Helping her in little ways shows her you really do care. It’s a way of putting your words into action. And as you know, actions speak louder than words. And look for the things she does for you. If there are none, then she maybe someone who’s selfish and won’t be there for you later on.
  19. notecardsSurprise her.
    Again, a little can go a long way. Just stick with small surprises. Bring her a case of her favorite soda, pick her flowers, or show up at her work for a surprise lunch date. You don’t have to spend money to show someone you care about them, or you were thinking about them. Sneaking a little note into her lunch bag for work can do a lot for someone’s mood.
  20. Never underestimate the power of the written word.
    As nice as it is to hear good things, it’s even better to have them written down so you can reference back to them. You should write letters or notes to your love often. Don’t text, don’t email. Hand written notes are the best. You can even pick up a little box of cards at the local greeting card store to help you say little nice things. It shows you’re willing to go out of your way to show you care.
  21. When you’ve found “The One”.
    When the time is right and you’ve found that special someone, talk to her father, before you talk to her (if that’s possible). If her father has passed, talk to her Mom; they’ll both thank you for it later.  When you’ve decided this is the day to ask, get down on one knee & ask her those four special words. 
    This is my advice to you.

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Know that someday, I’ll love her too.
I love you now, forever and always.
Love,
Your Momma
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This note was inspired by a note I recently stumbled across from Sara to her young son. While I made a number of edits to express our perspectives and my thoughts, the original still holds some wonderfully perfect advice and messages from Mom to son. Sara, thank you for sharing this sweet letter with us.

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© 2013 This Material Is The Intellectual Property of Author Springwolf - Spring's Hanko
© 2013 Spyderwolf’s Galaxy. All Rights Reserved. Springwolf, D.D., Ph.D.


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